It’s like being stuck in the middle of an ongoing short circuit. I try to focus. I try so hard, but my mind keeps changing the channels on me. Every minute a new image appears and I cannot focus. I sit in silence and cry…feeling helpless, angry, exhausted and scared I will have to kill myself in order to make it stop.
I want to get off this ride so badly…
I have been without Adderall for almost two months now. I feel like I am going to lose my mind. I cannot fit inside this body and I ache all over from the sleepless nights, shaky hands, puffy eyes and emotional rollercoaster that keeps me off course.
1. My job is suffering; I cannot focus.
2. I had to drop out of grad school this semester.
3. I cannot be around too many people – the noise is too much to bare; like pins and needles.
4. I am growing very tired of the fake smile I carry every day. I just wish I could stay under the covers and cry until it’s all over.
Every night, before I finally drift off into sleep, I hear the voice egging me on. “Why are you going to try this another day? Just let go already! Give yourself some rest. It’s better out there, asleep, alone in the graveyard.”
It’s like Ground Hog Day every day in my mind.
Somehow, I managed to make some progress this weekend. I paid two bills, did laundry and cleaned up my new place. It took all the strength I had and I interrupted myself constantly – showers to calm my anxiety, breathing while paying down, drinking alot of water, overeating, you name it….but I made some progress.