I miss my daughter so badly that the pain has penetrated into my womb. I have had my period since March (4.5 months) and there are no signs of it letting up. I went to the hospital. It’s my uterus.
Last night I had a dream that it was my body bleeding sadness. I watched as I tossed and turned in bed, aching all over, uterus drying up, blood all over the sheets…and, in my sleep, I cried out, “Mya. Mya.”
From the outside it looks like I am fine with her staying with my mom and aunt. I have let almost two years go by, but there is not a single day that I don’t cry her loss. I try to focus on every day mundane things to prove to myself that I can be a good mom for her. I can raise her right. I can be what she needs. Damn it……..why did it have to turn out this way? I love her so much. She was no accident. She was planned and very very wanted.
My dear Mya. She is six years old. I touch her shirts, her pants, put away her toys and fall asleep with her cover in my arms. It feels like I am in constant mourning, but I have to smile, get up, go to work, some how try to manage this madness of a mind inside my head and get it together for the few supervised hours I get to see her every week.
I’d never hurt her. I have never spanked her. I adore her very being. I am fascinated by her thoughts. I am in love with her existence. Yet they tell me she is scared of me. Scared of the way I have screamed at her in the past. Have I really? Dear Lord was it anything like the way my mother used to scream at me? I have heard her scream at my daughter the same way. Yet, I am unworthy of raising the very life that came from my womb.
When the nightly egging to take my own life comes, I think of Mya. I hold tight to the image of her smile, the sound of her singing, the vision of her dancing and I fight for my life. I fight on my knees and beg for the strength to … just….fall…asleep. Just fall asleep so that I can make it to another day.
I have tried everything. I have resorted to begging. I don’t know what else to do. My mother and aunt won’t budge. The first has always ruled her life with fear and the second is religious. They think I am bipolar. I am far from it. I do have Adult ADHD though….and my current situation has me very depressed, but I am not bipolar. The doctors have checked. Still, that suspicion is enough to take my daughter away from me.
I feel like I cannot find the strength to fight the two women who have raised me. I have deep and dark hatred for them. I want to hug them and cry in their arms, in search of the comfort they gave me as a little girl, but part of me wishes they would die so that I could have my daughter back. How horrible is it for me to say such a thing? I am terrified of taking them to court. I feel we will never be a family again. Every time I try to visit them, laugh with them, talk with them…it feels so unnatural. Like sitting to dinner with the enemy I have to bow down to in submission.
If I make it…..if I survive this part of my life, I know it will be a miracle because every self-righteous judgment of my mother’s and my aunt’s fearful hearts, has put the nails in my coffin. I don’t want them to feel the guilt; it will do nothing for me once I am gone and, whether I like it or not, they will have to raise my daughter….lest her father takes her and she ends up being raised without a mother in the Middle East. Dear God help us all then.
Please God, keep the demons away from me. Don’t let me fall for it one of these nights. Don’t let me kill myself please. Please help me survive this.
Sometimes it feels like I have no control over the pain. When night sets in and I am alone in bed, the taunting begins, the pain runs deep and I am bullied by the decisions of my own mother and aunt….a mother with no child, a drying womb bleeding to death…that’s all I am now.