I should have written in here regularly. Perhaps then I would have been able to track my decline into madness.
I feel like I am losing my mind. Like I come and go from this reality. One second I am in my body and then a cloudy mist comes over my eyes and someone else is in control. I do things. I say things. I think things…that are foreign to the person I used to be. Is this what it feels like to be possessed? Could it be real?
I trade one addiction for the other. Nothing changes. I am still a slave.
I am embarrassed. I am afraid to speak up. I am paralyzed. If I seek the road towards healing, will I anger those energies that live inside me? I already feel like I don’t know who I would be with out them. Yet, my stomach hurts at the thought of having to wake up to them one more day.
Some days I wish I was dead. I wish these thoughts and actions of mine had more integrity and goodness….instead selfish pleasure and debauchery.
Who will save my soul? I cannot be trusted to save myself.
“For that which I do not want to do, that I keep on doing.”