Gotta Go

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If I don’t get out of here…I am going to die here.

The only heartbreak I take with me is my daughter.

I can’t spend a day in that house without the others looking at me like all I do with her is wrong. Judgment seeps out of their pores. They won’t let me be a mom.

I can’t survive out here, this close to her, with only visiting her a day here and a day there. It kills me. I feel like a wagon, being pushed across town, with out wheels.

I can’t take this anymore.

I am going to save up enough money to get out of here….not sure where yet.

I just gotta go.

I’ve been living like everything in life comes from my human relationships. How my mother sees me. (Even though she doesn’t think I care.) How my aunt perceives me. How my grandmother thinks of me. How my brother remembers me. How my uncle talks about me. Who my ex considers I am worth. Who my boyfriend/ex thinks I am in comparison to what he thinks he deserves.

There is a whole vast world out there. I used to be able to travel it alone. I wasn’t always this dependent on people…and their opinions.  I can connect to things and places. I can look into hearts, out of windows, and over mountains. God, I love mountains.

Will she forgive me though? Will she understand?

What I wouldn’t do to bring her with me. Her little hand wrapped in my hand. Her little cheek against mine while I hug her to sleep. Her little voice singing with me while our hands play with the passing wind.

She is my biggest test. I wish I was enough for her. No one else compares beside her. She makes me embarrassed of my darkness.

The darkness that has made me do bad things inside dark rooms. The bare nakedness of my body and my soul, seeking pleasure in the arms of a man hoping to color over the black and white sketching of my pain. Like laughter can cover it all up. Like wine and jokes can take away the hollowness I feel inside.

I need to get away. I don’t know where I will go this time. I am thinking somewhere in the mountains of another country. Not sure which one yet. Maybe somewhere in Europe this time. Maybe closer in Central America. Not sure. I just know I need to do it soon…or I will end as dead to the outside world as I feel inside.

Today I will hide under the sheets until tomorrow.

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