Day 19: Judgment – Control

11111111I think I have been afraid to let my family down…and instead ended up letting everybody down. I have felt the pressure to become somebody and produce a certain amount, while all my spirit has ever really wanted to do was travel and read.

I feel like a prisoner in this society. I excel at just about everything to do with education and professional career. I have always been an overachiever. I thrive on competition and always win.

I am tired of that. People work so hard to become good at something. It comes naturally to me. Do I really want to finish this MBA and move up the rat race? I feel pressured to think I have to in order to buy that big house and give my daughter the comforts that were given to me.

I am spending the entire day under the covers today. In the back of my mind I hear my mother’s judgments telling me all the things she thinks I am. I hear my screams of helplessness telling her all the things she is wrong about. Two noisy trumpets that make no sense.

Is that life?

I wish I could hike across the U.S. It was fun doing that in South America. I wonder what it would be like in his darker jungle…where minds are more awake with evil, selfish desires, and secret addictions. Would I make it to the end of the year?

It doesn’t make sense to me why people are so mean to each other all the time. I feel the bitterness growing inside me. I feel the meanness and coldness growing too. I am becoming one of them. Cold words. Selfish needs. Judgmental looks.

Money is always there and it is never enough. Time is the same – stabs you on the back if you fall asleep.

Maybe I need to get away and just BE in the moment. Maybe this is al just a matrix and we are surrounded by codes which bring about cause and effect. I would like to find a quiet corner, with the illusion of nature and peace, and just BE. Just watch the blades of grass sway, the water of the river run, and the clouds above me float by.

I remember my time on the Peruvian Andes. I want to go back to living like that. Away from all this madness. Reading in my mud hut. Looking out the window. Smiling myself to bed. Writing……………………………………..

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